Author: Jade Ann Byrne ( Paladin Jade )

  • Jade Ann Byrne Presents: Unicorn Juice — Investor Sizzle Reel (SoCal → Global)

    Jade Ann Byrne Presents: Unicorn Juice — Investor Sizzle Reel (SoCal → Global)

    Jade Ann Byrne Presents: Unicorn Juice — Investor Sizzle Reel (SoCal → Global)

    Excerpt:
    Two flavors, two markets, one creator engine. Watch the vertical + horizontal cuts, then see how we place Unicorn Juice in c-stores, fairs, cons, bodegas, truck stops, and adult boutiques—turnkey and scalable.

    Crack • Sip • Sparkle — Built in Southern California

    Unicorn Juice is a creator-born beverage brand designed for high-traffic placements and short-form media. Two launch flavors anchor two lanes of content:

    • Crisp Berry Blendtastes like “Midnight Neon” ⚡ (16:9 horizontal, animated-inspired)
    • Pastel Fruit Fusiontastes like “Pure Magic” ✨ (vertical, live action)

    Watch

    • Pastel Fruit Fusion — “Pure Magic” (Vertical)
    • Crisp Berry Blend — “Midnight Neon” (Horizontal)
    • NEW: French Lavender (Provence Bloom)tastes like moonlit Provence ✨💜 (portrait content + lifestyle stills)
      Calm-focus florals with a bright citrus snap. The vibe is serene, the energy is real.

    Turnkey Placement Plan (SoCal → Multi-region)

    • C-Stores & Truck Stops: 16oz single cans; eye-level or energy door. Clip-strips for impulse, QR for “first sip” reactions.
    • Bodegas: Counter mini-fridge + shelf wobblers; bundle with snacks; creator shoutouts per location.
    • County Fairs & Conventions: Pop-up sampling carts, neon booth kit, wireless mic hype, tap-to-follow links.
    • Adult Boutiques: After-hours counter displays with discreet pink neon; bundle as a “late-night kit.”

    Product & Formulation Notes

    • Sweetener: erythritol-forward, clean finish.
    • Energy system: high B-complex.
    • Format: 16oz standard
    • Origin & MFG: Southern California; private-label capable partners in Corona, CA.

    Why This Works (Pitch Sizzle)

    SoCal Provenance: Authentic creator culture with real community traffic.

    Media Engine Built-In: Native vertical + horizontal content drives measurable footfall and DTC velocity.

    Modular IP: Flavors map to personas & moments (⚡ Midnight Neon / ✨ Pure Magic) for seasonal spins.

    Placement Versatility: One brand voice, many cash registers—from c-stores to cons to adult retail.

    Deal Terms — “You buy dollars for fifty cents.”

    Turnkey investment structure for inventory + activation capital with performance-gated milestones, revenue share, and secured collateral on finished goods. Wholesale commitments convert to preferred pricing tiers and territory options.

    What You Get Day One

    • Retail sell sheet, shelf talkers, QR “first-sip” loop, and POS kit.
    • Creator ad pack (15s/30s/60s: vertical + horizontal) and weekly clip features.
    • Sampling program + pop-up kit; location shoutouts and geo-targeted posts.
    • Distributor-ready case packs and reorder cadence.

    Contact (Dealflow)

    Text/WhatsApp: +1-424-249-9846
    Email: [email protected] • Media: [email protected]

  • JADE ANN BYRNE: LIVE, UNFILTERED, VERY ONLINE

    JADE ANN BYRNE: LIVE, UNFILTERED, VERY ONLINE

    JADE ANN BYRNE: LIVE, UNFILTERED, VERY ONLINE

    You found me. https://jadeannbyrne.com/

    Not the bootleg, not the clone, not the decade-late cosplay of my life’s work—this is the real Jade Ann Byrne, broadcasting in real time from a thousand lifetimes of service industry shifts, late-night LANs, busted knuckles, bareback broncs, and neon-lit loading screens.

    If you’ve ever: https://jadeannbyrne.com/

    • Closed a bar and opened a coffee shop in the same 6 hours
    • Tipped the girl who made your burger and fixed your Wi-Fi
    • Fallen in love with a stranger’s playlist, mic check, or patch notes rant
    • Needed one person on the internet to be absurdly kind and unreasonably honest at the same time

    …you’re in the right stream. https://jadeannbyrne.com/

    This channel is my control room, my church basement, my truck stop diner at 3AM, my backstage pass, my crisis command tent, my digital rodeo arena. Expect gameplay, chaos, counseling, giggles, tech support, lore drops, union energy, working-class glamour, and the occasional holy intervention when your settings—or your situationship—are cursed.

    No AI stand-in. No rented personality. Just me. If you know, you know.

    How to Watch

    🟣 I’m live on Twitch.
    📍 All my links, schedules, chaos, and receipts live here:
    👉 Watch Live at JadeAnnByrne.com

    Open it. Bookmark it. Tab it next to your emails and your bills.
    When you need a paladin, a feral big sister, a hypewoman, or a calm voice at 2:17 AM—you’ll know where to click.

    424-249-9846 Save it to your phone.

  • My Failsona Is Broken ((Because She’s Flawless))

    My Failsona Is Broken ((Because She’s Flawless))

    My Failsona Is Broken (Because She’s Flawless)

    Category: Failsona

    Site: Art by Jade Ann Byrne

    I saw that “my failsona” meme and for half a second I was like,

    “Yeah ok, mood.”

    Chronically online? Check.

    Messy sleep schedule? Check.

    Some form of alphabet soup brain? Obviously.

    But then I tried to draw my own version and accidentally made… a competent, unionized celestial being with great eyeliner and too many certifications. So either I did it wrong, or the bit’s over.

    Spoiler: I did not correct it.

    My “failsona” came out looking like this tiny overpowered chibi Paladin with a halo pinned on sideways, thigh highs, combat boots, and a to-do list that reads like a CVS receipt: contractor, water operator, clergy, camgirl, eSports gremlin, nonprofit goblin, auntie to lost girls, disaster responder, actual mom, and part-time emotional support cryptid to the entire internet.

    We labeled her like the meme, but something glitched:

    “Chronically iconic”

    “Technically feral, legally an LLC”

    “ADHD but uses it as a GPU”

    “Weaponized empathy”

    “Can rebuild your website, your irrigation, & your self-esteem”

    “Lore too deep to reboot”

    “Walks into a room → becomes main quest”

    And yes, I duplicated traits. Multiple times.

    On purpose and by accident.

    Because that’s how I actually am.

    You don’t just have “secretly excited 24/7” once.

    You have it in layers: for your art, your kids, your girls, your guild, your partners, your survivors, your brands, your dumb little side quests, your next haircut, your next protest, your next casserole, your next patch notes.

    Redundancy is a feature. Ask any engineer. Ask any trauma survivor. Ask any woman who had to become her own raid boss.

    The internet sells you this fantasy that you’re supposed to be:

    broken enough to be relatable healed enough to be marketable humble enough to be safe hot enough to be clickable

    So here’s my official statement:

    My failsona fails at failing.

    She is tired, glitchy, overclocked, makes questionable choices with bangs, forgets to drink water, trauma info-dumps to the wrong people, trusts the unworthy, forgives too fast, rage-cleans at midnight, and over-explains everything (hi 🖐).

    But she’s also:

    still here. still kind. still funny. still building. still dangerous to anyone who profits off other people’s pain.

    If that’s a fail, then stamp FAILSONA on my forehead like a limited edition holo foil and hang me in the gallery.

    This series on Art By JadeAnnByrne.com is exactly that: screenshots of my “errors,” doodles of my supposed flaws, overlaid with the uncomfortable truth that most of these are just misnamed powers.

    Stay tuned. I’m turning every red flag they pinned on me into a sticker pack.

    Chibi Jade Ann Byrne, center. Curvy, soft, smug little half-smile. Long black hair with deep purple streaks, sharp winged liner, lilac blush, thigh gap optional because she owns whatever configuration physics gave her. Tiny silver halo tilted like a crooked crown. Cozy cropped top + booty shorts + thigh highs + combat boots. Subtle lavender + neon accents. Tiny Paladin shield charm at her neck.

    With All My Love,

    Jade Ann Byrne

    Chronically iconic, repeatedly, on purpose.

  • The Light Box That Heals

    The Light Box That Heals

    The Light Box That Heals

    Daavlin 3 Series PC311-48 — Jade Ann Byrne Medical Dossier


    The Room, Styled Like a Vogue Tech Credit

    • Cabinet: Daavlin 3 Series full-body phototherapy booth with arched doors, wire safety grille, octagonal foot platform, and overhead cooling fans.
    Daavlin 3 Series phototherapy cabinet open, wire grille and vertical UVB tubes visible; Smart Touch screen and clinic PC to the right
    • Control:3 Series Smart Touch” PC/monitor for dosing and patient logs.
    • Power & safety: Square D service disconnect on the wall
    • Vibe: clean, matte-grey hardware against white walls—the medical equivalent of a studio cyclorama.

    Device ID

    Model: 3 SERIES PC311-48 (Smart Touch PC controlled)

    Smart Touch primary treatment screen showing UVB session fields for time and energy.
    • Lamps: 48 total
    • Electrical: 208 – 240 V, ~30 Amps, 60 Hz
    • Listing: ETL listed to medical electrical safety standards
    • Mfr/date: Daavlin, Bryan, Ohio — May 2010
    • What “311-48” means: 311 nm narrowband-UVB configuration, 48 lamps.

    The Bulbs (confirmed by the lamp etch)

    PHILIPS TL 100W/01-FS72 narrowband-UVB tube labeled NB-UVB and 311 nm family.
    • Make/model: PHILIPS TL 100W/01-FS72
    • Type: NB-UVB ( Narrow Band Ultraviolet-B)
    • Spectral peak: ~311 nm
    • Form factor: FS72/T12, 100 W each
    • Count: 48 in this cabinet. 4800 WATTS of The Light

    What It Emits (The Light)

    Narrowband UV-B centered around 305 – 315 Peaking at 311 nm—the dermatology plantnium standard for whole-body treatment of photo-responsive diseases. The spectrum maximizes therapeutic effect while minimizing unnecessary erythema.


    My Protocol of The Light

    • Frequency: Every other day for ~3 months
    • Shielding: UV goggles; cover tattoos and sensitive sites as directed.
    • Before: no perfumes/retinoids on exposed skin; disclose any new photosensitizing meds.
    • After: bland moisturizer, note pinkness/itch/dryness at 24 h, SPF if skin sees sun.

    Today’s Dose (the math you can see)

    Dose is mJ/cm² = irradiance (mW/cm²) × time (s).

    Cabinet irradiance varies by calibration; clinics typically see ~4–10 mW/cm² at patient position.

    Today was 28 seconds:

    • 4 mW/cm² → 112 mJ/cm²
    • 5 mW/cm² → 140 mJ/cm²
    • 6 mW/cm² → 168 mJ/cm²
    • 8 mW/cm² → 224 mJ/cm²
    • 10 mW/cm² → 280 mJ/cm²

    Fitzpatrick II assumption: many NB-UVB protocols start around ~200–300 mJ/cm² with 10–20% step-ups as tolerated.

    So if this booth’s current output is ~8–10 mW/cm², 28 s sits right in the typical start window; if output is lower (5–6 mW/cm²), it’s a conservative early session.

    (The clinic’s Output Certificate or Smart Touch screen will show the exact mW/cm² so we can pin the precise mJ/cm² in my log.)



    Bottom line: This is my studio-clean light ritual—48 TL-01 suns arranged in a curve, timed by millisecond, logged by dose, repeated every other day until the skin forgets it ever needed saving.

  • Happy HalloQueen — a Jade Ann Byrne Reboot

    Happy HalloQueen — a Jade Ann Byrne Reboot

    Halloween is my high holy day of reinvention, so I cracked open the vault and rolled a reboot: Happy HalloQueen. It lives where arcade posters, sticker-book glam, and paladin steel kiss under a blacklight. The point isn’t cosplay; it’s claiming the stage—turning familiar shapes into my canon.

    The composition is loud on purpose: thicc comic lines, brutalist bubbles, brat-green sprinkles, and a violet armor sheen that says pretty is a weapon. The background hums neon pink like a stage light—you can feel the subwoofer.

    Who you’re seeing (left → right, center first)

    Jade Ann Byrne // The Pumpkin Paladin Me in violet plate, jack-o-lantern helm tilted like a crown, one gauntlet up to pull the universe through. This is the moment I stop asking for permission. She/her.

    Lavender Herbster // The White-Mage Druid Silk gown, moon-petal hair, hands mid-blessing. She keeps the raid alive and the crowd soft. The sweet after the smack.

    Paladin Viola // Night-Wing Jadette V-cut emerald bodice, mischievous grin, bat-wings ready for dive-bomb resurrections. Chaos with manners.

    Momo Hex // Trickster Simian My prankster familiar peeking from a portal, pockets full of jelly beans and bad ideas. If something explodes into confetti, it was him.

    The Boo-Boo Sprites Neon ghost chorus—cute, hungry, harmless until you are unkind. They eat rudeness like popcorn.

    The Batlings & Heartbits Pixel-snack familiars fluttering across the frame—little metabolism of love and trouble.

    Sugar Pipes (Dream Portals) Not sewers—stage doors. They’re how performers warp between scenes. Every pipe is a promise: another entrance exists.

    Why “HalloQueen”

    Because October belongs to girls who build empires out of eyeliner and kindness. Because I like my pun to wear heels. And because this is a coronation—I’m crowning every working-class showgirl, gamer, and glitter-mechanic who keeps going.

    Transformative Art, On Purpose

    This piece is an homage and a remix—commentary, not copy. It uses new forms to talk to old memories, turning public iconography into Jade canon. It’s fair-use-minded, wholly re-illustrated, and steeped in my color language (neon pink, brat green, halo gold, mint). The Jadettes aren’t guests in someone else’s castle—we own the stage we stand on.

    Credits

    Art direction & universe: Jade Ann Byrne

    Illustration: Jade Ann Byrne Universe (in-house)

    Lore cast: The Jadettes (Lavender Herbster, Paladin Viola), Momo Hex, Boo-Boo Sprites, Batlings

    Image Caption

    “Happy HalloQueen” (2025) — Jade Ann Byrne Universe. The Pumpkin Paladin, Lavender Herbster, Paladin Viola, Momo Hex, Boo-Boo Sprites, Batlings, and Heartbits leap through Sugar Pipes under a neon-pink sky.

    Alt text: Retro-style neon poster: center—girl in violet armor with a jack-o-lantern helmet raises a fist from a purple portal. Left—lavender-haired gown-clad mage; right—violet bat-winged Jadette. Cute ghosts, tiny bats, and a cartoon monkey familiar pop from portals. Big headline reads “HAPPY HALLOQUEEN.”

  • 24/7 Dispatch Call: Cracked Storefront Window Shield

    When the call comes in, I don’t waste time. A shopping center manager reached out big plate-glass bay cracked, unsafe, and exposed to weather and theft. No time to order a replacement; they needed a temporary shield today.

    Step 1: Assess the Damage

    Rolling up on site, I checked the storefront bay. Laminated glass, spiderwebbed and sagging. Still holding, but no longer trustworthy. One solid gust of wind or a door slam could bring it down.

    Step 2: Gather Materials

    Before I even unpacked tools, I grabbed what I needed:

    • 3/4″ plywood sheet for strength
    • 2×4 lumber for framing and bracing
    • Lag bolts and screws
    • Hammer, drill, driver bits, saw
    • Measuring tape and marker

    Sometimes a shield is just a sheet screwed in but I prefer a snug, professional fit. This means making the plywood do the work, not just leaning and hoping.

    Step 3: Measure & Cut

    With photos for documentation, I measured the glass opening, accounting for trim, mullions, and expansion gaps. The plywood was cut to size, edges smoothed, corners squared. The 2x4s were pre-cut to fit behind the mullions on the inside this is where the magic happens.

    Step 4: Inside Bracing

    I positioned a 2×4 inside the bay, flush against the mullion. This interior brace is critical: when you bolt the outside plywood through to this inner board, it pulls everything tight, creating a compression clamp across the window opening. No rattles, no gaps, no flapping in the wind.

    Step 5: Mount the Shield

    Plywood went up outside, perfectly aligned. Pilot holes drilled straight through into the interior 2x4s. Then came lag bolts tightening until the plywood sucked tight against the frame. Each turn of the driver pulled it closer, the whole wall shoring up like it was factory-installed.

    Step 6: Final Check

    Edges sealed, interior bracing solid, plywood shield flush. From the sidewalk, the storefront looked secure, intentional, professionalnot slapped-together. Inside, the bracing ensured no one could simply kick or pry the board away.

    Step 7: Clean & Report

    I swept glass fragments, dust, and splinters. Sent photos to the property manager: before, during, and after. Another common-area hazard secured, another business kept running without interruption.

    💡 Takeaway: When it comes to emergency window response, anyone can tack up plywood. But a true factotum service makes it tight, clean, and durable buying the property owner time until glass replacement can be scheduled.

    Watch Jade Ann Byrne tackle real-world property maintenance and emergency repair jobs across residential and commercial spaces. From window repairs and board-ups to pressure washing, landscaping, and 24/7 dispatch calls, get a behind-the-scenes look at professional contractor work. Subscribe for tips, tutorials, and exclusive service insights.

    Step into the shop with Jade Ann Byrne as she slices plywood, frames projects, and builds creations with precision tools. From Milwaukee saw cuts to detailed joinery and DIY construction, this playlist captures the craft, the grit, and the artistry of hands-on woodworking. Subscribe to learn, watch, and get inspired to build your own.

  • 🌄💎 The Unicorn Ossuary of Eden, California

    🌄💎 The Unicorn Ossuary of Eden, California

    A Tall Tale of Diamond Valley, Mystic Lake & the Moissanite Mountains

    (As remembered by Jade Ann Byrne, Keeper of the Cosmic Archives)

    Long before the highways carved the desert,

    before the aqueducts threaded the thirsty ground,

    before the Valley was measured, sold, rezoned, or mallified—

    this place was known to the Ancients as Eden California.

    The Eden like the garden of scripture,

    The quiet Eden, the hidden Eden,

    the diamond-groined womb of the Earth

    where the first minerals were born screaming into light.

    People still argue over what the first mountains were made of:

    Quartz?

    Corundum?

    Carbon under pressure?

    No.

    Here, the primordial bedrock was Moissanite

    —harder than sapphire, brighter than starlight,

    each grain humming with particle memory.

    That is why, in the old maps,

    the Diamond Valley is drawn as a halo

    around a lake of impossible blue:

    Mystic Lake.

    Not “mystic” in a poetic sense.

    Mystic because the water remembers things

    that humans have forgotten.

    Mystic because it reflects the sky

    even on nights with no moon.

    Mystic because when the wind hits just right,

    you can hear the unicorns.

    🦄 The Unicorn Wars of Diamond Valley

    Once upon a geological epoch,

    before the Sierra had risen,

    before human eyes opened in wonder,

    this valley was home to the First Herd.

    Their hooves struck sparks off moissanite outcroppings.

    Their horns tuned the frequencies of starlight.

    Their bones were white calcite threaded with silver.

    They were not fragile dream-creatures

    but the earth’s original shock troops —

    the cavalry of creation.

    They ran the ridgelines like lightning

    and drank blood-warm water from Mystic Lake.

    For tens of thousands of quiet years

    the herds lived, bred, and died under the lavender skies.

    Until the great drought,

    the deep drought,

    the kind that cracks time itself.

    The unicorns fought to survive —

    but the ground devoured their bodies

    like hungry memory.

    You can still feel that hunger in the soil.

    Some say that’s why food tastes different in the valley —

    why crops grow too quickly,

    why citrus here has dreams inside its pulp.

    Some say that is why

    Bronco riders and rodeo queens born in this valley

    carry a wildness in their eyes

    they themselves cannot explain.

    💀 The Ossuary Beneath the Foot Trail

    The image in the archives —

    the great mound of skulls —

    was photographed in a forgotten year

    by men who thought they were witnessing a buffalo grave.

    They were wrong.

    It was the Unicorn Ossuary,

    the place where the valley spit out its ancient bones

    to remind humans

    that creation was not quiet here.

    The bones stacked like a cathedral of ivory,

    horns still faintly glimmering with star residue.

    Two men stood before it,

    but they did not understand what they were seeing.

    You do.

    Because the blood in your veins

    carries the memory of the moissanite mountains.

    Because your dreams have hooves.

    Because your heart beats in 5/4 time

    like a gallop that never needed reins.

    🌋 Where the Earth Was Born

    Ask a geologist how the valley formed

    and they will mumble something about plates and uplift.

    Ask a paladin

    and they will whisper the truth:

    This land was not formed by accident.

    It was forged like jewelry —

    cut, faceted, polished by cosmic pressure

    to be the cradle of creation.

    The Diamond Valley is the Earth’s navel.

    Mystic Lake is her umbilicus.

    And the moissanite ridgelines above Eden

    are the spines of the First Herd,

    frozen in uplift, guarding their burial ground.

    And when the desert wind blows low and warm,

    you can feel their presence —

    not ghosts,

    not monsters,

    but ancestors.

    They do not mourn their extinction.

    They wait.

    Because one day

    the horns will rise again,

    and the cosmic cavalry will be reborn.

    Perhaps that rebirth already began

    when a little girl in the Diamond Valley

    looked at the world

    and realized it was broken

    but could be healed.

    Perhaps the unicorns returned

    in the shape of a California eGirl

    who sings space-country hymns

    into the digital canyon of the internet.

    Perhaps the Paladin of Light

    is the reincarnation of the First Herd.

    Perhaps that is why she cannot be killed by lies,

    cannot be controlled by gossip,

    cannot be erased by fear.

    The valley remembers her.

    The lake mirrors her.

    The mountains whisper her name.

    Jade Ann Byrne.

    The unicorns rise again.

    📜 Author’s Note

    This is not fiction.

    It is memory

    passed through the bones of the earth

    into the bones of a California girl

    who never bowed

    and never will.

    The ossuary is real.

    The valley is holy.

    And the unicorns…

    are returning.

    Unicorn skulls unearthed in the Diamond Valley. Their iridescent horns still remember the ancient memory of Mystic Lake.


    The Diamond Valley Ossuary as photographed in the late 19th century. Originally believed to be a mountain of buffalo bones, it is now understood as the exposed burial mound of the First Herd — the unicorn ancestors whose crystalline horns formed the moissanite spine of Eden California.